lately, i notice we talk a lot about community, particularly in leftist spaces.
the concept of community makes sense to me. it is the connection one has with their friends, family, and neighbors. it is the act of being involved in and connected with one's surroundings, whether that be on the level of individual houses, entire neighborhoods, or entire cities. it can probably get even larger than that, but it seems like it's probably a micro scale concept when it's most effective. i understand this and i find myself craving this kind of connection with others. but something about it seems very unattainable to me.
i suppose to concept of connection is difficult for me. aside from autism, i'm also an incredibly anxious and nervous person. i've been diagnosed with almost every anxiety disorder there is, including social anxiety, generalized anxiety, social phobia, and selective mutism. i'm not sure how many of these diagnoses would stick if you step back and consider the lens of autism, but it's clear to me that even without the autism, i would be a very anxious person. the reason i mention this is because most of my fear and avoidance surrounds other people. i feel that i lack a level of connectedness to my peers that seems to come naturally to others. i feel that i don't know how to interact with people on a meaningful level. i don't know how to approach people or start conversations. i don't really know how to continue conversations into which i've been included. i feel a sense of anxiety and dread and panic during almost every interaction i have with strangers, even if the "stranger" is someone i've seen around for years. i struggle to understand what causes these feelings or what i'm truly afraid of.
i've seen a bit about people who seem to have a lower drive to socialize/reach out to others than is typical. i wonder sometimes if that's what i'm experiencing. i feel perfectly content to be by myself, some of the time. the rest of the time i feel so lonely i could scream, but at the same time i feel unable to do anything about it. i do know that i have a fear of being bothersome or annoying. i wonder where this comes from. i suppose that my greatest fear is this inability to interact with others meaningfully is some innate quality of my personhood which would take an incredible amount of effort and energy to change for the better. i fear that it will turn out that actually, all the living i've figured out how to do has been horribly wrong all along, and that actual living takes a level of energy input that i simply do not have; that living is simply too difficult for someone like me. or, that it is easy for others but not for me because i am simply too lazy. i will approach such fears with curiosity and grace, because i know that they did not come from nowhere. approaching with curiosity will, i hope, protect me from lashing out at myself with anger or disappointment. if i am simply curious about my thought processes rather than actively antagonistic of them, perhaps it will be easier to uncover what subconscious assumptions underlie them.
anyway, i have to use this approach with my social issues. i suppose i will try to understand exactly what is giving me anxiety and fear. i want to understand what past experiences may be informing the way i respond to people. an issue though is that i seem to have somewhat spotty memory of when i was young. it is probably within normal limits, as i can remember at least something for about every age, but it is certainly not exceptional. i struggle to remember what specific things may have caused me to feel a certain way. i think perhaps it is more of a general pattern of behavior by those around me. it is also difficult to know whether the things i'm feeling have been influenced at all by outside forces. i seem to be a somewhat impressionable person, so it's possible that some things i think are greatly impactful to me may not have actually been so impactful. i'm unsure. i feel like i'm always unsure these days.
i crave community and connection with those around me. who doesn't? my issue seems to be that i lack the toolkit necessary to make those connections. it may be possible that i even already have the tools, i just don't know/don't want to use them for some reason or another. i don't know. maybe it will get better as i get older. maybe i'll always be like this. whatever the case, i guess the best thing to do for now is find ways to cope when the loneliness feels too consuming. right now, i try to do things like reaching out to my friends online and my sibling. i'm not great at reaching out to friends irl, or my parents. it feels almost intimidating. getting better at these things may be a way forward, but i know it will take some time.
anyway. i'll let you go now. i have some things i ought to be doing right now that i'm putting off a bit. i'll talk to you later.