cw: discussions of sex and sexuality
hi, all. it's been a few months since i last posted. to be very honest, i sometimes forget that i have the option of posting to this blog when i have thoughts to process. i think having this blog has overall been quite good for me, and i'm glad to have it as a sort of diary. i've also started a physical diary that i keep and write in after waking up. i like the idea of having records of what my life was like at certain times. i think this is because i have a somewhat shoddy memory and often can't recall such mundane things as how i was feeling on any particular day.
today, i want to do some thinking and processing about identity. i've recently been questioning whether i'm on the aromantic and/or asexual spectrums. this may seem quite sudden and perhaps unusual, especially for those who have known me for a long time. i certainly don't seem to fit the typical example of an aroace person: someone totally uninterested in, and perhaps even repulsed by, sex and romance. i don't think i'm like that either. but i do think there's something different about me and the way i experience attraction.
the concept of attraction seems quite nebulous to me and probably always has. i can't with certainty describe how i think it feels, and i struggle to come up with concrete examples of me having felt it in the past. my research on the topic has uncovered many varied descriptions and explanations, some of which i understand, while others i do not. it seems to be something like a pull towards another person, or an innate desire to do a specific thing with them. when i think of it in this way, i feel conflicted. i think i have probably felt this kind of pull before, but i can't be sure. i have come to distrust my own memory significantly in recent years, due to its general fogginess. i try to view it like this sometimes, though: if i had felt/experienced xyz, and it was memorable, i would probably remember it. if not, i probably didn't experience it and/or it wasn't memorable. i don't know if this is the right approach, but when i use it to recall my past with attraction, i sort of come up blank. i have a very small handful of people i can recall having what i think were crushes on, although almost entirely when i was quite young so i don't remember them in great detail. i can recall noticing how my crushes dropped off as i got into middle and high school. since being in college, i have certainly not experienced any meaningful crushes or general attraction to anyone, although i do attribute some of this to the more transient/transitional nature of college classes and the associated stress.
as i became sexually active, i had more of a suspicion that something was missing. sexual encounters have always been fraught with anxiety and stress for me, even though i have always been the one to seek out my partners. i attribute part of this to my general temperament and neurology, but i felt there was also a level of disconnect between myself and my sexual partners that i found odd. i felt that i wasn't enjoying the sex the way that i should have, or that i wasn't enjoying my partner the way i was meant to. even with repeated encounters with the same person, i felt stiff and confused, unsure what to do without guidance and unable to do anything with much enthusiasm. upon some reflection, i began to wonder whether this attraction aspect was something i could have been missing.
attraction is, of course, not just any one thing. by some models such as the split attraction model, it is a composition of multiple types of attraction, all of which may interact and influence each other but are nonetheless independent. some of these modes of attraction include sexual, romantic, aesthetic, sensual, platonic, and alterous attraction. i will discuss in particular sexual, romantic, aesthetic, and sensual attractions here, as these are the areas i am most concerned with. as mentioned, i eventually came to question what sexual attraction really felt like for me. this was a very difficult question to answer, in part because alongside this form of attraction comes the separate (although linked) concepts of libido and arousal. it can be, and indeed does prove to me, quite difficult to understand where one begins and another ends. upon reflection, i have found others describe themselves as having both high libido and high arousal, yet low or no sexual attraction. i feel that i am probably in this category. i feel much confusion regarding the minute ins and outs of sexual attraction, but a good explanation that i understand describes it as libido with a direction; that is, libido targeted towards a particular person/people. taken this way, i think i experience this very rarely. i also find i am not easily aroused by the viewing of bodies. all of this taken together leads me in the direction of being on the asexual spectrum. i feel very similarly in terms of my relationship with romantic attraction. this term seems even more confounding to me, as i have always found romance to be somewhat unappealing. i have seen romantic attraction described as the desire to do romantic things with a particular person, but it begs the question: what is a romantic activity? such activities as sex and physical touching snd kissing may be considered romantic, but are not exclusive only to romantic contexts. romance is a deeply culturally influenced concept that also changes between generations, so i find this type of attraction even more confusing. however, taken at this definition, i also began to doubt whether i felt this kind of pull towards people. i can recall a feeling of misunderstanding when i learned that for most people, the 'endgoal' of a crush was to confess to them and, with luck, eventually date them. for me, crushes aligned more with a particular person i thought was attractive and who i wanted to talk to and be closer to. these desires align more closely with aesthetic attraction. i also notice a distinct desire for physical closeness with those i find attractive now, in line with sensual attraction. in my research i have found that confusing sensual and/or aesthetic attraction for romantic attraction is quite common. it is this, then, that leads me to believe i am also somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.
i feel somewhat conflicted in these identities. i understand myself to also be gay, but it may seem that such identities contradict each other. i describe myself as liking men, but what do i mean by like? what exactly do i wish to do with men? i have a general sense of desire, that i want to be with men, physically and emotionally, but i am unsure how to reconcile this with what i have discovered above.
i ultimately feel a sense of confusion. i have, in exploring these parts of myself, found some clarity regarding how i truly want to connect with others. it has forced me to be curious and inquisitive about what my true desires are. i feel i am a deeply lonely person, living alone and having no in-person friends to see, and i am often beset by depressive fits of loneliness. i have been tasked both as a personal and therapeutic exercise to attempt to understand what unmet need is at the heart of these episodes of debilitating loneliness. i am still exploring this, but i find very often it comes down to physical intimacy more than emotional intimacy. at times, i find myself unable to understand relationships which rely only on emotional intimacy or lack physicality entirely.
i also wonder to some extent if i am completely off base, if i am going in the wrong direction entirely. perhaps i'm not aromantic or asexual. perhaps, as is commonly said of those who do identify as such, i really haven't met the right person yet. perhaps there is someone out there who will truly ignite a passion and fire within me, independent of them showing interest in me first. perhaps i'm completely "normal" and am simply misinterpreting my own feelings. i think some of this is probably possible. i think it's something i can't know for sure, which causes me a lot of discomfort as someone who dislikes uncertainty. maybe this is something i'll never really be able to untangle. maybe i'll never meet that right person after all.
there's so much that's impossible to know, but it's been said that all one can do is their best with what they know at the moment. maybe my attraction will change some day. maybe i will learn to recognize and understand it in myself. i think if that happens, it would be ok. it would be me being able to understand myself better. i suppose there's little harm in trying out labels for oneself, especially if they seem to fit in the moment. it's ok, i think, for things to change or be different than one expects.
i'm still really unsure and i find myself mulling over and flip-flopping on this day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. but i think maybe saying it will help make it seem more real. i am, here at this point in time, at this point in my life, aroace-spectrum. maybe some of you wouldn't believe me, but i believe me. and i think that's enough.
i'll let you go for now.