i fear i am a deeply lonely person. i've never had many friends. i've struggled with making them all my life. i can sort of make them, if i already have a friend present with me. that's how i made a lot of my friends in high school. those friends have since dispersed across the state and country, and i don't ever see them outside of social media. in recent memory, i've only been able to make a friend, somewhat, on my own once, in college, and we haven't talked in almost two semesters. i still don't fully understand why it's so hard for me. there is definitely a feeling of avoidance, a strong fear of something happening (but what?) if i do truly put myself out there. there is a feeling of not wanting to leave my comfort zone (why?). there is also a feeling of not knowing how to put myself out there. i don't know how to approach people. i don't know what to say. but is it that i don't know what to say, or i don't know how to make myself say it?
maybe i'm making this up. maybe it d oesn't happen like this. this is something i constantly struggle with, the doubting of my own memories and experiences. maybe making friends isn't hard for me after all. maybe i'm just exaggerating the difficulty. maybe i'm not as lonely as i think i am. it's difficult for me to tell what things are true and what are false. even when i think things that are blatantly untrue, to see if there is a certain feeling that lets me know something is false, it feels the same as when i think something that i know is true. i don't know how to determine what is true for me. i suppose i could go for what is most natural, what first comes to mind when i imagine something. i suppose under that framework, thinking of making friends elicits something of a feeling of dread. a feeling that i will have to make a large expenditure of energy on a person i don't know, that i will be uncomfortable and anxious. a feeling that i will have to worry about where to go and how to get there and how to get home, that i will have to worry about money while i'm there. maybe it is difficult for me after all.
is it possible that i'm just hiding behind my struggles? am i using it all as an excuse? i often wonder this in relation to my autism and anxiety. other people with either, or both, of these conditions don't seem to have the level of difficulty that i have in forming connections with others. i can't understand why it seems so hard for me. maybe i'm not trying hard enough. maybe i'm just lazy. i often find talk in therapy about my need to preserve energy. this can be done in a lot of ways, including self isolation. but i still run into episodes of loneliness, like the one i'm in now. i have no idea how to meet this need for connection and attention without tapping into precious energy reserves. is my energy finite? does it take a long time to recover? what will happen if i run out of energy? it seems impossible to reconcile both these sides of myself. i have to be alone because it's easier, but i need people or else i start to lose it. is there something to it all that i'm missing? is there something that is supposed to make it all worth it? i suppose it is the promise of connection and companionship, but this evidently isn't a strong enough motivator for me on its own.
i feel at times like a withering, pitiable creature. crawling on all fours, letting myself be trodden upon by those above me. doing so much, being so small, just to be seen as good, as worthy, as worth spending energy and time on. wanting so badly to be seen as good. i want so badly to be good. i want so badly to be good, so that people might decide to give me the attention and care i so badly crave. why won't anyone see me? why won't anyone care for me? why am i always ignored? it is the kind of thing you can ask for, but i cannot ask. to ask directly for care and love is unthinkable to me. it must be earned, gained only once you prove that you are good. you cannot simply demand that your needs be met. it's not allowed. it's not right. it's not good to do that, and you have to be good all of the time. you have to be good, and then they can decide whether to attend to you. if you're too demanding, they won't like it, and you'll be bad, and they won't care for you if you're bad. they won't want to care for you if you're bad. if you want attention but they're not giving it to you, you have no choice but to endure it and suck it up until they decide to check on you. it doesn't matter.
it is almost like the pain of being alone is easier to bear than the pain of everything else. the pain of being ignored. the pain of rejection. there is a sense of control, i think, with solitude. everything is within reach. you can touch both sides of the room with either hand. sometimes it is painful and it stings, but no one else can hurt you. no one else is hurting you. the pain comes from within. it is painful, and there's only you who can attend to it. but no one is here to push the knife deeper and ignore you. no one is there to invalidate it. you can see yourself, looking into the mirror, lopsided image bouncing back. you can do anything you want. you're in total control. and i think that might be what feels so good about it. i am the one holding the knife to my own neck, with all the power in the world.
i feel very strangely today. there is a darkness weighing on me.