hi, all. it's been some time since i've posted. since this blog is something of a thought journal for me, one could consider that times when i don't feel as driven to post are times when i'm doing pretty well; that is, i don't have too many thoughts i need to get out. right now, it's two days after christmas. the holiday season is, i now realize, pretty stressful for me, as it can be for a lot of autistics. i've been doing a lot of reflecting on how i feel about this time of year and what things i do or don't actually enjoy. of course, my feelings have also been compounded by my newer realizations about family in the past few months. but that's a discussion for another time.
what i want to talk about now is a different sector of my life, which i feel i often neglect: my social life. i am often taken by surprise when people ask me how i am doing socially. i don't know why this is. i think i find it surprising to remember that socialization is in fact an important part of one's overall health and wellbeing. my therapist has done multiple exercises with me which seek to assess my overall wellness, and every time we get to the social health part i feel embarrassed to admit how much it is lacking. i think i've always been a loner. making friends has never felt easy for me. i've always had one or two main friends that i talk to, through which i sometimes find other friends. as i have gotten older and become more active online, this has changed some since it's much easier for me to reach out to people, but in real life i feel i am quite lonely. i've discussed such feelings before, but i'd like to focus today on a particular aspect of my social life: that is, romantic involvements.
romance has, to me, always been a rather nebulous thing. i remember having a small handful of crushes on boys in elementary school, but once i got to middle and high school, i did not date anyone at all. i have only really "dated" two or three people, never for longer than 3 months at maximum, and all but one were entirely online. i have yet to uncover why i've had such rotten luck romantically. i don't think it's for lack of interest; i find myself quite interested in many of the aspects of dating, and i do find myself jealous of couples that i see around me. i must be wanting something that they have. i just don't always know what it is. perhaps, then, it is lack of trying. it is certainly true that i have never admitted to a crush that i wanted to date them. i've never asked someone out on a date. the idea is certainly quite frightful for anyone, and being an introvert like i am certainly doesn't make it any easier. i want to try to understand why these things are hard for me. i think that understanding will help me to know how i ought to try to overcome whatever barriers are in my way, as well as helping me be gentle with myself when i struggle. i want to approach this with care and curiosity. i don't want to be hard on or belittle myself. i know that i'm not alone, after all, and many people struggle in this way just as i do.
i suppose the first priority i should have is understanding what exactly i want and what i am looking for. what do i want, actually? i've been advised to have a clear answer to this question before i start looking for a partner in earnest, so that i may have clear boundaries of what does and does not align with what i actually want. this is, i think, a difficult question to answer. i suppose something i find myself craving the most is physical intimacy and affection. this doesn't have to be in the form of sex; in fact, i find too often that sex is all i can find. it can be something quite simple like holding hands, kissing, or cuddling. this is what i find myself longing for when i am in my most lonely moments. but i understand that there is more to a relationship than just physical affection. there ought to be an emotional connection as well, at least in most standard romantic relationships. i think it's this emotional aspect that i struggle with the most. i often regard this aspect of a relationship as unimportant and secondary to physical affection. i've often thought to myself that if a relationship were based solely on an emotional connection, like in the case of online dating, i wouldn't be able to tolerate it, as i'd be driven insane by the inability to touch my partner. i'm not sure why i think this way. why do i place such importance on the physicality of a relationship and so little on the emotionality? as i ask myself this question, i try to notice what thoughts and feelings come up. i think there are multiple possibilities. i struggle with emotional connections already. i think emotional intimacy is difficult for me as a whole. it seems to be the depths of this kind of connection that are hard for me. i seem to do fine with surface level sharing, but the deeper things go the more uncomfortable i feel. i think there's also a level of intentional disconnection when it comes to the sharing of feelings; i try to remain a certain distance from real emotion. i know that this kind of disassociation comes from a need for safety. i have to wonder what has occurred throughout my life to make my mind think that this is necessary. i wonder sometimes if i'm afraid of being hurt. i'm not sure what i'm afraid of exactly, but i notice a sense of fear and displeasure arising when i think of being so vulnerable as to truly become attached to someone. perhaps it is the fear that something will go wrong and i will be suddenly and swiftly detached from the person i so deeply enjoy.
i suppose this is a good thing to have uncovered. i think it's a difficult thing to work through, but knowing now what the problem could be is the first step to unlearning the underlying assumptions. i understand, though, that this will take time, during which i think it will be best for me to not pursue a serious partner. i don't personally agree with the concept of loving oneself before loving someone else, but i also think that it would be at best unsuccessful and at worst actively harmful to look for a partner while i'm struggling to form the most basic connection with them. i try not to be discouraged when i set such boundaries for myself, because i know that they're ultimately helpful to me and will help keep me safe and sane. in the meantime, i will also try to think hard about what needs i think dating will help me meet and how it will enrich my life. these are difficult questions for me to answer because at times, i think that i am actually better off single. i find myself being very protective of my time and peace, to the extent that i start to panic when i think about being obligated to spend time with someone else rather than alone. i suppose it is possible that if the person in question is a dear partner, i might feel differently, but i've never had an instance like that happen to me before, so i'm reluctant to make any assumptions. i also have to try to understand what dating even means to me. most everything about romance and dating is quite confusing to me. it feels like i never really officially learned what any of this meant or how i was supposed to act around people or how they were supposed to make me feel. it feels like i'm only just starting to tune into a whole different world that's been here under the surface this entire time. i feel like i'm only just getting to the starting line while most everyone else has already been running the race for years at this point. but i suppose there isn't anything i can do about that. i'll just have to catch up in my own time.
i've been questioning my romantic orientation throughout all of this, for several months now. i have had crushes on boys in the past and find myself attracted to men, but i feel that i am missing something somehow. i wonder if there is a certain kind of romantic attraction that i ought to be feeling, that would drive me to do things like ask people on dates and confess my feelings to them. so far, i have felt no real urge to do these things. it's difficult to know if this is because of my orientation, or if it is a side effect of my anxiety or autism, or a result of the kind of self talk i engage in. i often wonder if the reason i don't seem to develop many crushes these days (it has been a good number of years since my last real crush) is because i have convinced myself that any person i like wouldn't like me back, and that crushing on them is thus futile. i don't know if i really do have such tight control over my mind's workings like this, but it's something that i've wondered about extensively. could it also be that there simply hasn't, among the thousands of people i've met over the years, been anyone who was my "type"? i often question whether i truly have a "type" or not. often, the kind of people i find myself feeling anything towards are those who have first shown interest in me, and rather those feelings are out of relief that someone likes me than anything more genuine. this is how all my relationships have developed so far. i have started to explore whether i might be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, but i'm unsure as of yet.
i suppose my ultimate takeaway is that i really don't know what i want from a partner. i don't even know if i really do want a partner. i certainly do want physical affection, but that is not necessarily always received from a romantic partner. i think it will take a great deal of searching and reflection to better understand this aspect of my personality. i am to some extent apprehensive. the things that inform my thinking around these topics seem to be deep seated and not easily resolved. but i will try my best to understand myself and learn how to open my life to the things i want. i can only hope it won't be too intense. i anticipate i'll make more posts about this as i reflect more on this. i'll let you go for now, though.