i have never considered myself to be a real proponent of living life in the fast lane. i have always appreciated what could be considered a "slow life." since childhood, i have been what i always called a watcher rather than a doer. i was never the type to be terribly ambitious, to have a lot of hopes and dreams that i was incredibly motivated to achieve. in fact, i was confused by those around me who were that way, just because the concept was so foreign to me. i never had a dream job or a dream school or a dream life. i assumed, of course, that i would have a typical life based on what i was exposed to growing up, but i never dreamed about particulars. as i got older, it seemed that this was increasingly uncommon. people suddenly dreamt of attending a particular college, of marrying a particular person, of having a particular career. they knew exactly what they wanted to pursue in life. looking back, i didn't have these kinds of desires and i may have even felt confused by them. how did people suddenly know exactly what they wanted? had they known all along? my focus was always on just getting through the school year; i never had the foresight to look beyond what was in front of me. perhaps this was to my detriment, as i felt somewhat blindsided when it came time to choose a college and a major. it was difficult for me because everyone around me seemed to care so deeply about where they went (one calls to mind videos of people sobbing when rejected from their dream schools), yet i simply didn't. i just chose the school my older sibling chose, because i had had some exposure to their STEM programs and it was relatively nearby. none of it seemed to matter very much to me. i bring this up because i think this constant drive for more, this constant push to realize one's lofty dreams is a part of society i fail to understand.
i have come in the last few years--while i've been in college, really--to truly understand that there is enormous value in a slow life. i never really knew what kind of life i would have once i grew up, but it has become clear to me over the past few years what kind of life i don't want. it has been a combination of watching those around me, reading a handful of books, and listening to other people's experiences. it seems to me that there is very little value in living a busy hustle-filled life beyond potential material gains and the nebulous concept of social capital. that is, i understand that some of the time, hard work translates into more money. however, i know that this is not a guarantee. it seems to me that most of the time, the reward for hard work is much less concrete, such as in the form of praise, trust, confidence, and admiration. i don't find these immaterial concepts to be particularly motivating. to me, it seems that there isn't much point in working myself to death, especially if i'm still able to get by while working less. i have witnessed my own parents work themselves to the point of illness--my mother's gallbladder surgery comes to mind. i have distinct memories as a child wishing my parents would spend less time at work. this is a life i am quite determined to avoid replicating. i feel, in some way, that i am somewhat lucky to have come to this conclusion before entering the workforce in earnest. i think that if i had been allowed to work without understanding this about myself, i would likely have myself ended up overworked and ill, just like my parents and others around me. having reached this conclusion at a relatively young age, i believe i will be able, at least to some extent, to cultivate a life with an intentional work-life balance. i will be able to carefully consider opportunities before i take them, as well as after i've accepted them, to make sure that they align with this goal of living a slower life.
i understand that there is a certain amount of privilege afforded to those who can choose to have a slow life. there is certainly a subset of the population who is functionally incapable of choosing how much they work, because the amount they work is tied directly to the amount of money they make, such as hourly employees and those involved in the gig economy. that is, often times such employees do not earn very much per unit time worked, so in order to make up for the sheer cost of living, one must work many hours, sometimes in excess of 40 per week. i acknowledge this. i cannot be certain that i will not end up with a job like this, but i will do as much as in my power to avoid it. i know that such a job would be incredibly harmful to me, physically, mentally, and spiritually. i understand that i tend to have less energy each day than some other people (relating to this, i ascribe to spoon theory), so i have to be somewhat more careful when i consider what i spend it on. in my experience (although limited to only part time work) most hourly positions are incredibly energy intensive. many full time salaried positions seem not to be, or are at least energy intensive in a different way. expending vast amounts of energy just to attend work would thus limit my ability to care for myself and my surroundings, such that it would likely not be terribly sustainable long term. is this not, then, a reasonable consideration to make when considering a job?
i have a deep seated fear of being perceived as lazy. from where this stems, i am unsure, but it has crept into nearly every aspect of my life, no matter how hard i feel or appear to be working. i know that by trying to find a job that i can tolerate long term, such that i can actually stay at the job for longer than my current record of two years, i am in fact not being lazy, but the fear persists. shouldn't i be able to simply push through any discomfort? shouldn't i be able to suck it up? i think that these thoughts are not my own; rather, i think they come from society's expectation of how one must work and tolerate their surroundings, no matter how difficult. it does not consider such internal circumstances as mental illness and autism. these things factually affect the amount of energy i have every day and how i function. thus, why should i assume that i must function the same as someone who is not mentally ill and not autistic? in fact, because of the sheer amount of variation between any two people, why should i assume that i must function as well as any other given mentally ill autistic? by what metrics does one evaluate functioning? might one be considered better functioning if they can work full time for three months only, rather than working part time for three years? to what extent are typical societal expectations simply unhealthy? these are questions i find myself pondering often. i have ultimately decided that it is probably better for both myself and the employer if i am able to work for them long term, as they will not have wasted the time and energy to train someone who will be gone in just a few months. as such, i have decided that it is better for me to live a slow life, with amble work-life balance. i understand that this may prevent me from accessing some opportunities, but i am alright with this. i don't know that any job which desires that i put my wellbeing in jeopardy is worth my time.
anyway, this is ultimately how i feel for myself. i understand that not everyone has the same circumstances, nor do we want the same things. i think that's ok, as long as you respect and try to understand someone else's perspective. i'll let you go for now. i'll talk to you later.